Thoughts From the Commute

[xifeng]

Sticker seen on someone's back windshield in Sullivan County: "No Bags, No Switches, No Fat Bitches".

Immediate reactions:
1.) Clearly, these kids don't know what the word "switch" means in my world. The mental image was so hilarious that I burst out laughing several times on my way back to the hotel.

2.) I bet the owner of the car is a seventeen-year-old virgin. Not, of course, that there's anything wrong with that. Having once been seventeen years old, male, and virginal, I can assure you that my entire sex life at that point consisted of sitting around with my male friends and lying vigorously about all the pussy I wasn't getting.

3.) The idea that anyone would state on their car, in the form of a decal, who they're not willing to have sex with is both hilarious and pathetic, because it bespeaks an ego so overweening that the driver simply can't conceive of someone who wouldn't want to fuck him. (For the record, if I were the type to judge a man's cock by his car, I'd immediately write this particular seventeen-year-old virgin off as decidedly lacking. Neons strike me as girl cars.) And also, if I were going to list entire groups of people that I have no desire to have sex with, it would take a lot more space than my rear windshield. In fact, it would start something like, "ABSOLUTELY NO MEN, MINORS, GOTHS, BI-CURIOUS GIRLS, HARDCORE STONERS, NEO-NAZIS, PRETENTIOUS COMPARATIVE LITERATURE MAJORS, PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT CLASSICS IS," and would peter out long before I ever got to the tail end of people I have no sexual interest in.

Comments

[imperfectkatoru.livejournal.com]

So what would judge of a guy driving a red VW New Beetle? XD

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

DELIGHTFULLY AMUSING. XDDDDD

Well, you asked.

[tara]

See, now I want a sticker like your version. Hey, I don't need to see out the back. Much.

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

When the revolution comes, the Commissariat of Custom Automobile Accessories will see to it that you get a sticker like my version immediately. ;)

[tara]

*lol*
You can remove the men bit on mine, though, and put "non-celebrity men" or something similar. Because, y'know, I'd hate to give Nick Carter the wrong idea ;)

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

Oh, was he the one who tailgated you when you were in NZ? ;)

[tara]

Yup! He was just looking for the sticker I don't yet have ;)

[ocarina.livejournal.com]

The world needs more long, specific bumper stickers! Heck, I want a display on my bumper that I can change from inside the car, so I can type out my latest political opinion or helpful driving things like "DUDE, following too close!" and "Thanks for letting me in the lane!".

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

YES. I like your idea best! Of course, I'd abuse it woefully to type things like "WHY HELLO THERE TAILGATING FUCKTARD HOW ARE YOU TODAY :D" or "SPEED UP AND PASS ME FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST I'M GOING THE SPEED LIMIT", but still, it would be helpful.

There should also be an AutoFinger option where you can hit a button and a glowing display of man's favorite digit will light up your rear windshield.

[momo.livejournal.com]

omg leik, chek ur e-mailz!!!1

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

omg leik, i did!!!1

[duokinneas.livejournal.com]

Speaking as a seventeen-year-old virgin - silver Nissan Sentra driver, too - we try to be overly selective about who gets in our pants, and it doesn't always work. Unless you're a prude, like me; then, you're so caught up on not having sex, you wake up when you're thirty years old and realize you forgot to start.

I want one of those digital boards with lights in them for the back of my car. When someone behind me ticks me off with driving with brights on, I write my thoughts on that. When I want to let them know that I'm a bleeding heart liberal and potentially one of the bi-curious girls mentioned in your post (oops?) I slap that up on there. And I always talk about who I'd fuck. 'Cause, you know, I have all the choices in the world, all of them perfect. And everybody wants to get some from me, of all people. **rolls eyes** You shoulda done something evil to the shithead, Lee.

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

Oh, are you? I guess I was too, but it was so long ago that I really don't remember, and in any case I waited until I wasn't in high school anymore. Then again, sex has never been a big whoop to me.

I was in line for the bank drive-up, so there would have been witnesses if I'd bashed his windshield in. Besides, I found it more amusing than offensive, and I am fat.

[ziggy-prime.livejournal.com]

Does that mean I am not a man?

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

No. It means you're a special case, and as such, I made a special exception for you.

[ziggy-prime.livejournal.com]

It's the story of my life.

By the way, I finally got that toaster oven...

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

Toaster ovens rule.

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

I used to get all bent out of shape over these things, but it takes less energy to laugh at them instead. Besides, you didn't want to bang that guy anyway, he was 17. ^_-

Thanks! I notice your icon color-coordinates with my green stars. ^_^

OMG, I STILL OWE YOU E-MAIL. I suck so bad. *hugs back anyway*

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

I'll pass on the bear icon--I'm not much on bears--but I thought it was kind of cool that he's green. Unless he's moldy, which I hope is not the case.

I will try to e-mail you, though. I mean, between my action-packed journey to Illinois for the next couple of days and tea with the Queen...