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+ I've received a second debit card in the mail. Basically: I didn't know the bank would automatically renew mine (this varies from bank to bank), so was sure to order a new one just before the old one expired. Today, I ripped open a letter from the bank only to find a shiny new debit card therein. I don't need two, so I expect to waste my first break tomorrow morning getting this sorted.

+ My physical was yesterday. Results are not in yet, which is typical (it takes the lab longer to look at a Pap than it does to look at blood), but I will spaz left to my own devices. I'm actually more stressed about the Pap than I am about the bloodwork, despite having no reason to feel that way; I have no history of abnormal Pap in lo these many years of having them done. It's just that this year I'm planning to finally break my ladybits, and I want to make sure that there are no underlying ladybits issues that need to be addressed first. The waiting is always a wrench. They'll call the house, so I expect to waste my second break tomorrow afternoon getting this sorted.

+ I was going to go to Bloomington this weekend. I am going to go get my brakes fixed instead. (They're probably not broken, but it's been a couple of years and I'd like to get them looked at and taken care of before reaching the point where I can't stop. Silly of me, but we all have our little idiosyncrasies.) I may only be able to get one set fixed this weekend, depending on what needs to be done and how much it's going to run me.

+ Next week at work, we go to a new time tracking system, meaning that we'll all have to be at work by 7:55 to clock in so that, after the startup dialogue takes 20 years to do its thing, the system will register the first punch of the day at 8:03. EFFICIENCY!

+ SO MANY FEELINGS. WHY ARE FEELINGS ALL BAD. ALSO WHY DID I QUIT SMOKING. The main thing I am feeling is how much my shoulders hurt and I don't like this very much, so it's probably time to fire up the bag-o-rice and go to bed.
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A conversation I had last night with lolmom when we were both punchdrunk. We were talking about my wisdom teeth, since I finally got a referral from my dentist.

Lolmom: lol maybe u cans kepe ur teef n hav tehm in, liek, a neklas or sthg
l33: Yeah. I'll tell people I removed them myself.
Lolmom: lol
l33: In the wilderness. With a flint knife.
Lolmom: lolol ppl wil b impresst
l33: It will give off this nice "don't fuck with me" vibe.

You know, because my normal personality isn't offputting enough :D
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BLOODWORK news: HEY YOU GUYS IT'S NOT DIABETES. :D There is some confusion over what I'm supposed to be doing with the meds, because the sequence of events went kind of like this:
1.) l33 is on 500 milligrams twice a day.
2.) l33 has bloodwork done in February.
3.) l33's doctor wants her to increase dosage to 1000 milligrams twice a day.
4.) l33 does.
5.) l33 has bloodwork done in May.
6.) l33's doctor apparently wants her to increase dosage to 1000 milligrams twice a day...again.
7.) ???

(We haven't reached the "PROFIT!!!!" stage yet. Hopefully we'll get there tomorrow.)

LOLMOM news: Lolmom is more chipper, though she did scare me when I talked to her this morning. Basically: lolmom has the amazing ability to carry on coherent conversations in her sleep. She opens her eyes, turns towards me, seems to understand who I am, and responds in ways logically consistent with things I say to her. Typically, she does not subsequently remember these conversations, which is why I never discuss anything important with her when I think she's asleep.

So this morning I went into the living room to say good-bye to lolmom, who was dozing on the couch. She woke up (or appeared to wake up) and turned towards me, and we said Hi and I said I was leaving for work.

Lolmom: lol i waz driveng hoem n i waz kind of slepy so i put my hed down on teh steereng wh33l n took a nap @ red lites n stop sines
l33: WHAT???? D: D: DDDD: [Those of you who were around last year may recall that lolmom actually DID once fall asleep at the wheel.]
Lolmom: lol ya i figured it waz teh closest i waz goeng 2 get 2 collidge

At this point, I began to suspect that she was perhaps not awake, but nonetheless the mention of napping at stop signs bothered me enough to call her about it around 2:30 (by which point she would really be awake and getting ready for work). So I repeated the entire conversation back to her, asking for reassurance that she was not ACTUALLY dozing off at stops and that she was just burbling mindlessly when she said that (as occasionally happens), and privately wondering whether I needed to take her car keys away and/or encourage her to be screened for signs of early-onset dementia.

Lolmom: lol i haz no recolekshun ov saying taht
l33: But you're NOT dozing off at stop signs and red lights, right, Mom? You're NOT taking naps behind the wheel?
Lolmom: lol no, idk wut i waz thinking
l33: Okay, good. Please don't start. D:

Also: I have my new hair on and I think it is really cute. I'm not sure how I feel about the curls, since my natural hair has Beautiful Natural Curls (tm) that I've spent years battling, but it's nice that it's long enough to pull up and away from my face when I feel compelled. :D A+++ will totally buy from there again. Pictures to follow if I can get my nearly-black natural hair to not show when I pull it up.
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So I was bored at work today and while my thoughts were wandering, I happened to remember one of those memes where you compile a soundtrack for your life. I almost did this, but then it occurred to me that every song on that soundtrack would be Boots Randolph's "Yakety Sax" (best known as the theme to the Benny Hill Show, and guaranteed to make anything hilarious). My life is a farce, basically, so pretty much everything could be aptly set to Yakety Sax without seriously compromising the artistic integrity of the whole.

Including the sex scenes.

Especially the sex scenes.
xifeng: (Default)
1.) I feel as if I've been through the ringer, and there is absolutely no reason why I should feel this way. I did nothing whatsoever on Monday and Tuesday, other than some minor picking up.

2.) Last night, I dreamed that I was going to fuck [livejournal.com profile] imperfectkatoru, except then I woke up and it took me a minute to realize that I wasn't still dreaming so I was all like "wait wtf how did this happen". Then cold, hard reality set in and I realized that I was not going to fuck Fred, at least not imminently. On the other hand, it was certainly much better than the dream I had the other night where I killed the neighbors' daughter (who oddly looked like Lindsay Lohan, wtf brain) and was on tenterhooks waiting for them to find out and have me prosecuted. (I forget why I killed her. I think it was an accident. Since it was a dream, I'm not terribly worried about it now.)

3.) Hours are being cut at work. Oh joy of joys. FUCK YOU LOL-MART SALARIED MANAGEMENT. Oh and also the state road I need to get to work is closed between Buehler's (another grocery store just down the street) and Lol-Mart, so what used to be a 10-minute drive now takes a good 25-30 minutes. FUCK YOU INDOT.

4.) So the S******* family reunion (lolmom's people) is this weekend, and X-chan flew in today. It's nice to see her, despite the fact that I had to swill out the shower this morning, and we spent most of the afternoon talking about Star Wars. (X-chan and I will talk about the most bizarre and random shit if left to our own devices. This quickly segued into why the Vader Sues on AFFN aren't more creative, because seriously if I could use the Force and read my partner's feelings and fantasies and grope him/her from afar, y'all would be lining up for my sweet, sweet midichlorian loving. Don't pretend you wouldn't.) Then I went to work and then came home, whereupon X-chan informed me that she was watching Toddlers and Tiaras, which is seriously the greatest trainwreck on earth. I now know what to expect when I die and go to Hell. At least X-chan reassured me that I wasn't a terrible person for taking a virulent dislike to a bratty four-year-old contestant (and her idiot parents).
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LOL-MART SUCKS. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to order a copy of my birth certificate (the original is somewhere in the house, but we can't find it; if it turns up, great, if not, I have a certified copy), so I can now visit all the temp agencies. :D Seriously, I am getting very tired of having to smile and be friendly all the goddamn time.

[livejournal.com profile] pixelation: I am ttly going to jack your pizza idea, if we can ever find scallops (decent ones are in short supply here, though unscallops are plentiful). Because pesto pizza is delicious, and I fail to see how sun-dried tomatoes and scallops could do anything but improve it.

I now have a St. Paddy's Day T-shirt which reads "Let's Get Ready To Stumble". Also, I got my schedule through 20 March and actually have St. Paddy's Day off, so have the luxury of stumbling if I want (or at least drinking one and leaving, since I'm still pretty much sober after a single beer and there's something about calling the lolmom for a ride that just puts a damper on the whole thing for me). This pleases me.

I was so hungry for fish the other night that I bought a box of fish sticks, and actually chomped on the frozen ones while I was waiting for some of them to cook. Seriously. Ew. I have lived to regret this.

X-chan got me Savage Darkness by Cassie Edwards for Christmas, as a gag gift of sorts, and it is one of the most unintentionally lolarious things I have ever read. Seriously, it is impossible to be in a bad mood while you're reading a Cassie Edwards novel, and it's not because she's so delightfully uplifting. If this stuff can get published, I think my little island faggot has a fighting chance. (OHWAIT. Fantasy writers get pigeonholed. Because fantasy isn't about using your imagination anymore, it's about trying to be Tolkien except for the bit where YOU CAN'T.)

I am busily organizing my time and my life. FOR NOW. :D Actually, I dropped by work in my pavement-pounding clothes--"o hai i look nice i can haz job???"--and Miley told me I looked hot. I didn't think there was anything really special about my outfit--basic nice grey dress slacks, also my new red sweater--but hey, it was a nice boost to the ol' self-esteem. (Speaking of clothes, I've kind of been toying with the idea of sewing--I'm not by nature a crafty person, so that in and of itself is a hoot--and when I looked at the patterns for fat chicks, I was just disgusted. I'm in my twenties, for fuck's sake, and people my age typically do not wear housecoats. Nor am I interested in old-lady pants or tunics the size of Cleveland. Madame Lee is not having this shit today, thanks all the same.)

I have about an hour before I have to leave for work. Atypically for a Sunday, I'm only on four hours today, which means plenty of time to get shit done in the afternoon.

Also, a happy belated to [livejournal.com profile] _graywolf_.


Colon Blow

Jan. 27th, 2009 10:48 pm
xifeng: (Default)
For the benefit of [livejournal.com profile] carlosoliveira: lolol my brain, it took a dump. I promise this post will explain the reference to huge bowel movements in my Twitter feed.

Somewhere in here, we've got some real good poop jokes for you. )
xifeng: (empire pasteded on yay!!!)
+ Books are good food.
+ Tonight, somebody's (school-age) kid tore across the front end of the Lol-Mart in which I work, shrieking, "I HAVE DIARRHEA! I HAVE DIARRHEA!" in tones that betokened wonder and delight. I couldn't help but laugh because a.) I am twelve years old and would laugh at the word "diarrhea" if it appeared in a serious and reputable medical textbook and b.) my childhood was pretty fucked-up and bodily functions were considered an appropriate topic of dinner-table conversation. X-chan and I were probably the only kids in America routinely threatened with scurvy and rickets to get us to eat our vegetables. Anyway, I think I'm going to try to get "I have diarrhea!" to catch on, since for the most part "istennoing one's feet" and "Tom Cruise knows the history of psychiatry!" hasn't. Use "I have diarrhea!" to express inappropriate enthusiasm today!

(For the uninitiated, which would be more or less everyone who isn't [livejournal.com profile] driley1 and [livejournal.com profile] imperfectkatoru, X-chan and I have this rule that if we're arguing, and someone says, "Tom Cruise knows the history of psychiatry!", that person automatically wins, because there is no rational reply that can be made to that statement. Unfortunately, since this rule of civilized rhetoric was adopted, X-chan has become a lot quicker on the Tom Cruise draw than I am, which means she wins a lot of arguments by default. Fortunately, we never argue about anything really serious.)
+ I lose at writing pr0n.
+ For some reason I got spam encouraging me to confine the man or men in my life to some sort of male chastity cage (go on, say it, get all the comments out of your systems), which caused me to cross my legs just thinking about it and is certainly not something I'd do to anybody I cared about. Apparently there's a market for that sort of thing. Apparently there's money to be made. If I could somehow combine sex toys and chastity devices with MLMs, I'd be sitting on a goldmine of passive income.
+ GoodReads totally has my number, because the other day I managed to pull up a stack of Stephen Turnbull books I haven't read AND an ad with a cute girl in her underwear. Let's just say that was a red-letter day.
+ A couple-three days ago, I got to yap at [livejournal.com profile] aeromancy on AIM for the first time ever. It was v. cool at least from my own end. WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU TOO???
xifeng: (Default)
Yo, [livejournal.com profile] dethorats! I found some lolarious Smurf pr0n for you! No Care Bear pr0n yet, though.

(Warning, like you can't tell: Link is not safe for work, eyeballs, or childhoods.)

My work here is done. :D
xifeng: (empire pasteded on yay!!!)
I was on Epicurious, looking for something to make that I have not yet made, and they happen to have a St. Pat's feature. Okay, I was curious to see what food that entailed, since one doesn't really go out for Irish cuisine (...at least not in the Midwest), so I clicked on it. In fairness, it was an interesting read, though I maintain that soda bread should not be all pimped out to contain anything but flour, baking soda, sugar, buttermilk, and raisins.

And Google AdSense happened to have some ads up. Okay, no big deal. That happens sometimes. I've even clicked on a few, if they seem interesting enough.

In which Google AdSense spectacularly falls down on the job. WARNING: It's gross. )

In totally unrelated news, it's MAAAARCH, yay, it's MAAAARCH, and I didn't go to Bloomington (I'll try to go next weekend) but I did order a pizza and tonight I think I'm going to see Be Kind, Rewind, largely so I can tell H how it is. (H gets the movies some months behind me, and apparently stupid comedy is not a popular genre in Japan.)

♥ j00 4ll.
xifeng: (OMG TARA)
Note to [livejournal.com profile] augustuscaesar:

Unfortunately, I am unable to help you because I don't read the right kinds of scholarly work. D:

There is, however, a Gender Studies wonkette who has not only my full first and last name, but also the same middle initial. (I googled me.) I think she's Evil Alternaverse Lee, come to disrupt the space-time continuum or something and destroy classics 43V4H. She may also possibly want to murder me and wear my internal reproductive organs as a hat or something (in which case, she's welcome to them because I damn sure don't want the stupid things).

I'm not sure exactly what her area of specialization is, though, because I was so creeped out I didn't stick around long enough to find out.
xifeng: (empire pasteded on yay!!!)
So I was tooling up US-41 on Friday on my way to Vincennes to do this OMG RUSH JOB that they needed RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!1 and I was stuck behind some car--I described it in e-mail to [livejournal.com profile] augustuscaesar as a truck, but now that I think about it, it was more like a van or SUV. I wasn't close enough to it to read the bumperstickers, which is a good thing, but it had a most intriguing decal. There was a vaguely familiar humanoid figure that looked sort of like it was wearing armor, and it had assumed a squarish shape and appeared to have a horned insignia on its head. At this point, my Bushid-O-Meter (patent pending) started to ping like mad and I thought OMG SAMURAI!!!!1!!11oneone!!!samurai!!!11

Then I got closer to the SUV/van and realized that I had, in fact, hallucinated the samurai. What the picture turned out to be, and I totally am not making this up, was a picture of Zeus. Seriously. I don't know what you'd call a bearded man in a khiton wielding a thunderbolt, but I'd call him Zeus, given that this is the iconography that is usually associated with him. The thing I'd taken for the horned ornament on a samurai's helmet (I usually know the technical term for this but it has slipped my mind at present and I am too lazy to walk five steps to my copy of Warriors of Medieval Japan and look it up) was, in fact, the thunderbolt, which Zeus was holding over his head. The squarish effect was caused by some other decals that were boxing Zeus in.

At this point, I realized I was getting way too close to the other vehicle, so switched lanes in order to pass him safely, because the speed limit on that stretch of US-41 is 60 and he had to be doing around 45 or 50, which is way the fuck too slow even given the weather conditions (rain).

I just wonder what the odds of hallucinating samurai and then finding Zeus are. Or what it says about me (nothing good, I'm sure).
xifeng: (Default)


I'm always leery about driving to the Fall Festival, ever since the episode two years ago where I almost got T-boned. Thank God the Beemer was old and junky and I wound up trading it in for my car almost a year later, but still. It went off without incident this time.

m0mmy and I were supposed to meet by the Port-O-Lets, except there are actually two discrete sets of Port-O-Lets, and she went to one while I went to the other. First of all, the Port-O-Lets were a bad idea, because you can't stand around them for any length of time without looking like a pervert, and second of all, I saw something that I really did not need to see, specifically a woman entering one of the plastic hellboxes, redolent of compressed ass-gas, with a lit cigarette.

I was a smoker once. I know how it is when you get those manly urges cravings. Still, I never did anything so ridiculously fuckwitted, and I've never been so desperate for a cigarette that I had to have one even as I moved my bowels.

Thankfully, the explosion never came.

The food consumed does not make me feel better on the old health-and-fitness front, but I figure one funnel cake, or actually part of one because I couldn't finish it, once a year won't kill me. Also I had frog legs (customary) and every year the Montessori school strives to outdo itself in weirdness. I've never had the balls to consume the chocolate-covered crickets or scorpion pops or anything, but did have squid-on-a-stick about 5 or 6 years ago (and received a button that said SQUID ON A STICK, which I now can't find). This year, it was the Gator Tater, a baked potato stuffed with barbequed alligator meat. (Srsly guyz.) It was actually pretty good, but you're reading the journal of someone who thinks eel is food.

I also consumed the requisite Christian fudge, had a sprinkle bar (OMG SPRINKLES), and meandered up and down Franklin St. with teh m0mmy. A good time was had by most.

Callice has started entering the bathroom of her own accord in the mornings, which neatly saves me the trouble of chasing her. Cats can be trained! Who'da thunk it?

I was amused by The Cholera Years; besides being a pretty cool study, it referenced several Hoosier reactions to the plague of cholera o'er the land, and actually quoted the recently canonized Mother Theodore Guerin's letter to the religious community in Madison.

Also, I am enjoying Daughter of the Crocodile, which I'm reading at present. FABULOUS.
xifeng: (Default)
Found via Four Stone Hearth. I figure some of you are sick and twisted enough to get a kick out of this.

However, I totally want a robot sommelier.

In terms of actual news, nothing to report, other than that my workload is about to be increased on account of Joy and I share a client and she is leaving to work for a new title company. I am told the client doesn't get that much in the counties Joy covered, so one hopes the transition will be relatively painless.

One hopes.
xifeng: (manly men!)
Further proof of my masculinity, in case anyone doubted it.

The downstairs toilet has been running, and teh m0mmy poked her head in before she went to work to ask me to take a look at it sometime today. I have no idea where the hell she got the idea that I was a union plumber, or what she thinks I can do about it: am I supposed to lay my hands on the toilet and go, "By the powers invested in me by the State of Indiana and my obvious testosterone imbalance, I command the vile demons that have infested this toilet to come OUT!"?

Then again, women don't really get asked to look at toilets, so I guess this means the next time someone calls and wants to speak to The Man Of The House, Mom is going to hand the phone over to me.

Oh, gender identity! What joy it is!
xifeng: (empire pasteded on yay!!!)
Seriously, I never in my life expected to see this.

Then again, it's the twenty-first century; I'm going to see a lot of things I didn't expect to see.

Also, if I can get a couple of you hooked on [livejournal.com profile] smilingbread, I will earn my Evil merit badge.
xifeng: (Default)
1.) I seem to have become obsessed with the eyebrows of one woman I've seen in and out the recorder's office. She leaves them bushy towards the nose, but as they taper out they've been plucked into a kind of tadpole shape--the effect is vaguely like Liz Taylor in Cleopatra--and the effect is very dated and weird. Seriously, it's all I can do not to stare at her eyebrows. I have no idea what her name is because I just think of her as Eyebrow Woman.

2.) Dear hormones: I hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns all going supernova at the same time. Hurry up and get the unpleasant bits over with. No love whatsoever, me.
xifeng: (Default)
Sticker seen on someone's back windshield in Sullivan County: "No Bags, No Switches, No Fat Bitches".

Immediate reactions:
1.) Clearly, these kids don't know what the word "switch" means in my world. The mental image was so hilarious that I burst out laughing several times on my way back to the hotel.

2.) I bet the owner of the car is a seventeen-year-old virgin. Not, of course, that there's anything wrong with that. Having once been seventeen years old, male, and virginal, I can assure you that my entire sex life at that point consisted of sitting around with my male friends and lying vigorously about all the pussy I wasn't getting.

3.) The idea that anyone would state on their car, in the form of a decal, who they're not willing to have sex with is both hilarious and pathetic, because it bespeaks an ego so overweening that the driver simply can't conceive of someone who wouldn't want to fuck him. (For the record, if I were the type to judge a man's cock by his car, I'd immediately write this particular seventeen-year-old virgin off as decidedly lacking. Neons strike me as girl cars.) And also, if I were going to list entire groups of people that I have no desire to have sex with, it would take a lot more space than my rear windshield. In fact, it would start something like, "ABSOLUTELY NO MEN, MINORS, GOTHS, BI-CURIOUS GIRLS, HARDCORE STONERS, NEO-NAZIS, PRETENTIOUS COMPARATIVE LITERATURE MAJORS, PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT CLASSICS IS," and would peter out long before I ever got to the tail end of people I have no sexual interest in.


xifeng: (Default)
Wang Xi-feng

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