When I Grow Up, I Want to Not Have This Problem Anymore

[xifeng]

Dear skin,

Would it be too much to ask if I wanted you to please, please, please retain the moisture that I go to such pains to put in you? Please? I read Allure religiously. I try not to spend too long in the shower, although daily showers for me are not negotiable. I make sure to butter you with emollients after I get out, while your pores are still open. I quit smoking two years ago. I moisturize, despite my doomed quest to find a moisturizer that performs as advertised. I am on the verge of covering you with Crisco every night, even if my sheets do get all greasy.

I don't LIKE waking up in the middle of the night to claw at you and then getting up in the morning to wonder why there's blood under my fingernails. I don't LIKE the constant and indecorous need to scratch. I don't LIKE flakes. Remember when I was a little kid and I screamed bloody murder because you thought it would be really funny to develop seborrheic dermatitis and everything hurt me, including my pajamas?

And then if moisturizer gets anywhere near you, even if it says NON-COMEDOGENIC on the bottle, you scream and immediately sprout blackheads. This is ridiculous and must stop immediately, even if I do derive near-orgasmic joy from gouging blemishes. (Yes, I know not to do that, but I feel like I've won a moral victory when I get the embedded one that hurt like fuck.)

No love whatsoever,
Lee

PS: If I were going to have descendants, I would genetically engineer them to be a race of skinless uber-classicists.

Comments

[duokinneas.livejournal.com]

Every time I use St. Ives', my skin breaks out more, and when I used to use it on my legs after shaving, it gave me a rash something awful - even the lotion that was supposed to be fine for sensitive skin. I gave up on them and on buying from Target and such. My mom still buys from Walgreens and Target, even from the dollar stores, but I can't imagine doing that. With skin products and makeup, it occurs to me that the pricier it is, the better it works. I like Oil of Olay, and it doesn't come cheap! (Mom buys it and complains about the price every time. She's scarily money-conscious.)

**purrs and huggles back more tightly** If ever I get into the skin products business from playing scientist in my bathroom sink while the kids are at school, I will have a moisturizing wand. But I don't have one, and I'm glad our l0ff can prosper without it.

They'd be skinless. What use is intellect if you have to live in a bubble to protect your vital organs? **shudders**

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

I'm not sensitive, just Very Dry, so I have rather more options. I'm not sure to what extent I agree that the pricier it is, the better, although Creme de la Mer, which moisturizes like whoa, is something that I don't expect to be able to afford in my lifetime (unless I go back to school, get a business degree and an MBA, and then climb the corporate ladder for the rest of my life. Or write a bestseller).

Our l0ff can pr0sp3r d3spit3 4dv3rs1ty!!!!111 ♥ If you ever do have a moisturizing wand, tell me about it. Plz, kthx.

O ye of little faith. They'd have super-uber brains. They'd figure it out, somehow. Even if they scared the crap out of little fluffkins in the process.