See l33 ramble. Ramble, l33, ramble.

[xifeng]

Y'know, I got back on the Meds Bandwagon after falling off it, and the first thing my hormones did once I slapped on the estrogen patch was induce a mood swing which has lasted for the past couple-three days. I am not like this. I am not a horrible, weepy, histrionic Thing that feels like crying for no reason. I refuse to be this godawful sobby wuss. Refuse.

I am now seriously considering telling my doctor that I want to go off the estrogen, since I really only tolerate it because it helps my hair and would keep evil crotchdumplings from forming were I to take complete leave of my senses and start sleeping with men again. I don't want to be without some form of birth control, because I don't know what's going to happen in the future and the fact that I think abortion is okay does not equate to my wanting to actually have one, and I'd rather prevent than remediate anyway. That said, I don't see why it has to be this. If Depo's not too horrifically expensive, I might ask about that.

Or I might re-indicate a desire for sterilization so that I don't have to worry about it ever, but I would like to have my hair back plz kthx. While it's still dark.

But the estrogen? Turns me into something that I don't recognize and never want to be.


*

Note for Highly Sensitive People: For the love of all that is holy, please, please, please grow a thicker skin. Welcome to scenic Reality, where it is not about you OR your Pweshus Feeeeewings, and where contrary to popular belief, not everything is a personal affront. I'm sick of constantly kowtowing to you and trying to soothe your ruffled feathers, and I'm not doing it anymore.

Oh, and rather than kiss all your boo-boos better, I really, really enjoy making it difficult for you horrible overgrown bawlbabies to live. It makes me feel like I've really done something worthwhile with my life.

And if one of you reads this and decides to share your feelings with me, expect to be summarily mocked.

Comments

Re: Totally off subject........

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

YES.

I may even have weekends off from now on. *does a dance*

[tara]

I find the term bawlbaby very pleasing to the eye. Along with crotchdumpling.

But apart from that, I'm sorry the hormones are making you.... well, hormonal, really. It sounds a bit like you're constantly feeling like I do on my premenstrual crying day, which cannot be fun. Is there anything else you could try that'd help the hair problems? Because the birth control part is easy to worry about if you start feeling the urge to shag men ;)

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

Why thank you. Crotchdumpling isn't original to me, but I made bawlbaby up. ;)

Seriously, I really can't think of anything, and I don't know if there is anything that can help. The hair problems are due to my swell pal PCOS, and I'm thinking that perhaps if I lost enough weight and took my meds religiously, it would be under control, or at least under control enough for the hair issues to abate.

[snipped additional paragraph that You-Know-Who might see and be upset about]

[tara]

I apparently like words that are artfully joined together ;)

It just doesn't seem like much of a choice to me :(

[noted]

[momo.livejournal.com]

Crotchdumpling... that made me LOL.

Now go check your e-mail.

[duokinneas.livejournal.com]

This is going to be a bizarre comment; I warned you.

I can't force myself to feel lost in worries, even though part of me informs me that I ought to be worried for you, because I'm confident in your ability to take care of yourself. I'm sorry that the hormones are throwing you off and making you act crazy and personality-disordered. I don't know what else to say, other than that I wonder what else you'd be able to do about your hair. I mean, sacrifice your mental state for your hair... I don't know, Lee!

I am a highly sensitive person - was that directed at me in the slightest? (You know me, I always think you hate me.)

Also, "bawlbabies"? Best word 3V4H!

[duokinneas.livejournal.com]

I also just noticed that someone else asked the same question I did. ROFLcopter to me! As in, "Talyn, you moron." Sorry about that, Lee.

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

What else would I be able to do about my hair? Precious little. Precious, precious little. But on to the meat of this comment.

I don't know why you think I hate you, given the absence of all evidence to support that hypothesis. (As a side note, if anyone ever said, "ZOMG U HAET MEEEEEE ;____;" to me hoping for reassurance or trying to manipulate me, my answer would probably be, "Yeah, I do," primarily to see what would happen next.) In all candor, it wasn't directed at you personally, but rather all your kind, as I can't really understand how you people can
a.) not only live like that
b.) but also expect everyone else to tiptoe delicately around your feelings, especially given that sensitive people often do not TELL ME when they expect me to do something or respond a certain way, and instead expect me to somehow KNOW which I CAN'T POSSIBLY BECAUSE I CANNOT READ MOODS. I can't even identify my own feelings! How am I supposed to pick up on everyone else's?! *froths at mouth*

It should probably also be noted that I work on the fundamental premise that feelings not only have nothing to do with anything, but are also unimportant and even unnecessary. How you or I or Jean-Paul Sartre feels about anything is totally beside the point for me. Therefore, I can't figure out why people make such a big deal out of it.

To put it as delicately as possible, sensitive people may flap their lips, but the only thing I can hear is "TANTRUM OF DOOM!!!!!!11 WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!111"

It sounds like I've gone off at you. That wasn't really my intention; I've just been trying to comment on what exactly it is that frustrates me about dealing with Highly Sensitive People, and all this came out. Wow.

Thank you; "bawlbabies" was my own creation. ^_-

[duokinneas.livejournal.com]

Short of something scary like those hair-replacement programs that I know they have for men - but likely not for women whose hair loss is caused by a medical condition and not by male-pattern baldness - I don't know. But you were made this way for a reason, I guess. **casts a dubious stare heavenward**

I like to be reassured that people like me, particularly when I feel like a remotely cryptic message could imply that I am a member of a group (in this case, highly sensitive people) whom you or someone else dislikes. Intensely, might I add. But my heart and my feelings are no more important than anybody else's, so it makes no sense to pussyfoot around me when you feel no need to force yourself to do so with others. As much as I panic when you, or anybody else whom I love, purposefully writes or cavalierly comments about sensitivity/wangsting/obsessive tendencies/lack of financial sense/whatever else I am guilty of, it's not your duty to reassure me. If I'm bothering you when I start asking you loaded questions about what you think of me, tell me so. If you have to, tell me it's arrogant to read mysef into every nuance of your posts that have to do with other people.

I can't read moods, either, though I notoriously pack everything with feelings that may or may not be there. We're two different sides of a spectrum, and as trite as it seems, I'm tempted to call you the masculine, practical aspect while freaks like me are the exaggerated feminine, emotional aspect. (I would bring up that I have a mood disorder and thus am more exaggerated and theatrical than most others, but I can't blame every paranoid suspicion on being bipolar - strike that from the record.) I can't understand how you can live not associating feelings with everything, while the amount of feeling people like me chuck around and bawl about is no doubt irksome to you.

I didn't really take that as an attack; just another excuse for me to psychoanalyze myself and try to figure out how it is that we manage to be so close when we're so different and I'm constantly trying to undermine the trust we have by suspecting you of evil schemes to hate me. x_x

"Bawlbabies" sounds like something rather brilliant off childfree or another similar community. Those places amuse me, as much as I may disagree; seeing the opposite side is always fascinating.

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

Possibly also there is no reason, and that is just how the cards fell out. I tend to think that the universe is rather random and indifferent.

If that were directed at you personally rather than at a larger group of which you happen to be a part, I would have said something, and probably not in as public a forum, because despite appearances I do care about your feelings. But you would know. Also: I wouldn't know that the questions were loaded, only that they had some double meaning, and I would become annoyed because I'd be thinking, "Talyn already knows what I think of her."

Re: my inability to associate feelings with everything (or with anything, for that matter), imagine that you were punished for crying as a young child. Imagine, also, that your brain and body do not match, gender-wise, and that you tend to adjust for this by adopting behavioral and relating patterns that more closely fit people whose brains are like yours, even if these patterns are considered odd or inappropriate for people whose bodies look like yours. And then imagine that there is some reason to believe you have a neurological disorder which significantly impairs your ability to handle social situations of any kind or relate to people.

Naturally, you might well grow up thinking that feelings are bad and that expressing feelings is bad. Unless the feeling in question is anger, which is permissible because it does not unman you.

Now stop trying to undermine the trust we have, or I shall feel cross and shall express this feeling. Forcibly.

*also feels like snuggling you, so does*

[duokinneas.livejournal.com]

Hypothetically, if you didn't care about my feelings, it wouldn't make sense for you to bring up a grievance against me in a post without talking to me about it beforehand; I don't consider you to be as open as that with your personal life. Even friends-locked, that would cause undesirable drama. I know that we are friends, that you l0ff me and I l0ff you, but you've got to forgive me when I say that all that can disappear from my mind in half a beat of my heart when I read something that makes me think, "Has she changed her mind?!" I try not to be that way. I know that we can trust one another. Intellectually, I understand that. My feelings don't always swing the same way that my mind does, though.

I can imagine those things, and the after effects, but the problem isn't so much in imagining and picturing, empathizing, as it is having not experienced the same things in my childhood and in trying to unearth and comprehend my identity as a person and as a girl. I should probably have rephrased that when I originally commented to say that while I understand why you come off as perhaps angrier and less empathetic towards people in general, I can't know exactly what it's like. I can only say that I'm sorry for the loss that causes to your range of emotions, because to me, a life lived expressing anger foremost of all feelings is not a life lived to the fullest. Still, I love you. I want to be able to see things from your perspective so I don't act like an asshat to you about, "Don't be so angry!" or, "It's okay to cry if you want to! :DDDDD"

**glomps you**

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

I'm not as open as that with my personal life. There's a lot that I don't talk about in here, largely because I'm always conscious that I have an audience and so it strikes me as not of general interest. But yes, if I had a beef with you, I would take it up with you first; generally, I consider public humiliation to be a last, last, last, last resort, unless the offense is egregious.

(Bouncing around and fweeing about rainbows and unicorns does not count as an offense.)

To be all backwards about this and tackle paragraph #2 first, I don't really have a range of emotions; I have Angry and Not-Angry. Everything else is a secondary distinction, and often I have trouble knowing how I feel beyond that. Years ago, Mom would say, "How are you?" and I'd say, "Fine," only for her to repeat, "How are you?", whereupon I would answer, "Uh, I dunno." It took her a long time to understand that I really, honest-to-God don't know.

*is glomped, feels Not-Angry*