Look, Ma, I'm a Real Action Hero

[xifeng]

So this morning, when I was going to work, I pulled the door shut behind me, and the doorknob promptly came off in my hand. I attempted to screw it back on, but had no luck, and eventually put it back on and shut the storm door before I went to work.

(Any day during the course of which I have to go to Terre Haute automatically sucks. It's the land-title equivalent of "go to jail go directly to jail do not pass Go do not collect $200".)

I called m0mmy at work, and she said that since the deadbolt itself was untouched, I should be able to get back in without much trouble. By the time I came home, I was in a rotten mood (not to mention tired), and I just wanted to get in without having to climb in through a window or utterly destroy the door. I unlocked the deadbolt, which went fine, and tried to turn the doorknob a little; it wouldn't turn, but fell off again.

Lee: Fuck.

At this point, I could see the rod mechanism inside the doorknob, and thought perhaps I could turn it and open the door that way, so I tried to turn it but wound up poking it, and then heard a CLUNK! as the doorknob inside the house promptly fell off too.

Lee: Fuck.

The Podunk Princess was out in her yard and staring at me, but after all, I was holding scrap metal I could have thrown at her. Now I was in a bind: How was I to get in without a.) going in through the den window, which was closed or b.) going out to the garage, getting the axe, and hacking the holy living fuck out of the door?

The answer is obvious, and came to me like a bright ray of fuckwitted sunshine: I'd have to kick it in. Having never really had to kick down a door, I don't know how to do it properly, and probably didn't apply as much force as necessary. On the first kick, nothing happened, and continued to happen even when I tried to push it in to see if I'd loosened its resistance any.

Lee: ¡VIVA LA REVOLUCIÓN!

The door opened the second time I hauled off and kicked it harder; Mom and I were able to put the doorknob back on, thankfully, though we're probably ultimately going to have the front door fixed as well so that it also opens. I am sure the locksmith will be very interested to know why there are scuff marks on the door.

I've (sort of) survived a tornado and a jailbreak, and now I've (sort of) kicked down a door. I wonder what the next action heroine lesson is, and if I'll be required to fight terrorists or chase escaped monkeys or anything.

Comments

[dethorats]

Man, I've always wanted to kick in a door. It sounds hella fun although I am sorry you actually had to do that. Also, a jailbreak?! What? Somehow I feel as though I have missed a story.

Next will be diving off of bridges or piers to escape if I recall my action movies correctly.

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

It was kinda fun, in an action hero sort of way, except I still don't know how to do it properly for real (i.e., when the door is locked).

You may have, since I was already bored with it and didn't talk about it (either that, or it happened before we were reunited via the goodness of LJ). Preliminary points: the Vanderburgh County Jail (Evansville, IN) is on the second floor of the courthouse complex (as are the courtrooms and library, etc.). It's kept locked and blocked off, and you have to have a special key and authorization to get there, so it's not a threat to the general public; it's just there.

(At this point, the camera pans to happy abstractors, in a whole 'nother part of the courthouse, running title and talking about where they should go for lunch.)

Apparently, someone felt that being locked up for a crime they had been convicted of in a properly convened court of law, in accordance with Burns' Indiana Statutes or whatever, was a violation of their civil rights. Also, prison is not Disneyland, and this was extremely unfair. It will come as no surprise that they started a fire.

(Pan to abstractors running books.)

It will come as no surprise that riots followed swiftly thereon. And someone got loose.

(Abstractors printing off copies and checking double sheets.)

So the building had to be evacuated, including the parts not directly affected by the jailbreak, and we all stood milling around on the lawn and watching the news trucks pull up to report this Exciting Event, and I remember calling Mom to tell her I was okay. When Billie (our then-boss) called to check on us, Debbie and Tammy and I summoned all the maturity we possessed to play an evil prank in the form of telling her, in panicked voices, that we couldn't find Courtney. Our cover was blown when she came over to check on us and Courtney had the bad taste to rejoin us. XD

Re: next mission, oh, goody. I am afraid of heights AND falling. XD

[tara]

Your next task is to smuggle deer to Australia!

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

But will this comment self-destruct in five minutes? I must know. *g*

[tara]

No, but the deer might....

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAH! SPLODEY DEER! RUN AND HIDE!

*ducks and covers*

[tara]

Watch out for the antlers!

[forgottensanity.livejournal.com]

Maybe I shouldn't have notified the police when I heard the disturbance then. I was certain someone uninvited was breaking and entering. And I knew it wasn't me.

[shake-the-stars.livejournal.com]

But what were you doing in my house, Cat? If you just wanted to pet Callice, there are easier ways to go about it, you know.