xifeng: (Default)
This has been The Month Where I Have Nothing To Say, apparently. Other than:

1.) I killed a brown recluse in the basement the other day. (Those of you who follow my unexciting nonadventures on Facebook have probably already read about this, complete with J's baffled comments.) I subsequently thought there was another spider in the basement, but upon looking closely realized it was just the shriveled corpse of the brown recluse. Man, they sure look different after you gas them.

2.) Everything kind of feels like a huge ordeal right now. At least I didn't oversleep today, tempting though it was. I also wish it didn't take me forever to perform basic tasks and that more or less everything weren't more interesting to me than what I'm supposed to be doing. A "good" day, at this point, is one where I don't sleep too much, remember to take my meds, and get some exercise. I hope to work up from there, but I figure if I start with small attainable goals I'm probably not going to get overwhelmed and give up.

3.) I really, really miss having the domain and think I might resurrect it, but I'm in this place where I'm making myself earn it and so on.
xifeng: (Default)
1.) So I wound up not going to the Fall Festival this year--the first time I've missed in, like, forever, at least 7 or 8 years I think--because I was, apparently, too busy sleeping. If I can just manage ONE DAY where I sleep 7 hours and 7 hours only, I can die happy. Lolmom did bring me Christian fudge, though.

2.) I finally did something I really should have done a few weeks ago and deactivated my OKCupid account, on grounds of profound and severe disinterest. The only person who actually cares about this is [livejournal.com profile] augustuscaesar, who may be wondering why I'm yet to reply to her message there. Srry t4r4 :(

3.) RP is eating my brain, srry gaiz. On the other hand: Sedonia Guillone, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but my RP partner and I wrote the hottest pr0n of all time. OF ALL TIME.

4.) You know what is totally awesome? A talking dictionary of Ainu. I was kind of doing some half-assed research on the Ainu and I was curious about what the language sounded like and so on and then I found this, WIN.
4a.) Loosely pertinent to the above, [livejournal.com profile] duokinneas may wish to know that there is more backstory available on SanzĂ´ and if my ass gets kissed enough or even if it doesn't because I can refuse my seahorse uke nothing I might write about it.

5.) FUCK YOU SHITTY DYSTHYMIA. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN MY BRAINMEATS EVER AGAIN. I WILL KICK YOUR ASS EVEN IF I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF DO IT.
xifeng: (Default)
I will go to Chautauqua Weekend this year. If I get up early, I can be in Madison by a reasonable hour that morning, have all day to wander around, and leave in the late afternoon/early evening in order to make my 7:30-to-midnight shift that Saturday. It's not ideal (what I'd really like to do, and will do one of these years when work and money allow, is book a room in Scottsburg and just drive the 15-20 miles or so to Madison on both days), but it's better than not getting to go at all (especially since the last time I went was in 2007), and it's definitely better than sitting on my ass in Evansville and moping. LOL-MART SHALL NOT CONQUER.

Also, I have almost put away the entire cost of getting my transmission flushed, which is not that much money but when you make as little as I do it is about a third of a paycheck. That said, I would way rather pay $160 now when I have it than pay a few thousand to fix the transmission later. PRIORITIES~

I am trying to feel better, but it's hard.
xifeng: (Default)
Pursuant to previous entry: Since it is September, and therefore going to be fall soon, please be aware that there may be an upswing in the amount of l33 Hates Herself And Wants To Die hereon, as l33 does not do well with fall and does even less well with winter, both of which are pretty emotionally fraught for her. While regrettable, this may not be entirely avoidable.

Regular l33, who only occasionally hates herself and wants to die, is expected to return in or around March 2011.

Another thing l33 hates is this horrible project she's working on, which if she's completely honest is just for a publication credit and a fast buck. I might write some more about this later, but since I have to actually work on this horrible project, take a shower, and make dinner, it's not going to be right now.
xifeng: (Default)
Allergies still present, but greatly assisted by DayQuil. I called in today and spent most of the day asleep, which was really nice though it has now done a number on my sleep schedule and I am going to have to tinker really hard in order to get that working properly again. D: I really just want some vegetable soup, but we have none (we have the wherewithal to make it, but I am lazy and do not feel like moving), so have been faking with tea and bouillon. Other than some boiled eggs I haven't really had any solid food in the last 24 hours. At least my head no longer feels like it might explode.

Emotionally I'm feeling pretty crappy at the moment, probably due to being sick and also to it being September which means HOSHIT IT'S FALL THIS YEAR IS ALMOST OVER AND WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE BESIDES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, but that'll pass. I hope. The temptation to move to Alaska is pretty overbearing at the moment, though. Because obviously moving somewhere where it's more dark and cold would fix me RIGHT UP.

It's a good thing that The Lower Depths is next in my Netflix queue, because I don't think I'm ready to mentally break up with Toshiro Mifune yet.

. . .

Mar. 4th, 2010 09:38 am
xifeng: (Default)
Hi. I'm still alive, but I've just been in a crappy mood because this has been a crappy week, and I don't feel like talking right now, and you're glad because you don't want to Feel My Gawthik Payyne!!!1! anyway, so there 'tis.

I anticipate returning in the near future, however. :D

Also, before I forget, a happy belated birthday to [livejournal.com profile] _graywolf_ and [livejournal.com profile] pleasureblossom. I think that catches me up.
xifeng: (Default)
I'm reasonably sure this is common knowledge, but if not: I'm childfree. I've never wanted children in my life, I didn't like them when I was one, I don't like them now, and working in an environment where a lot of them misbehave all at once really hasn't changed my mind. (Also, my DNA fucking sucks and we'd all be happier if another heapin' helping weren't unleashed on the world, and I REALLY DON'T LIKE KIDS and I HAVE REALLY VICTORIAN NOTIONS OF APROPRIATE CHILD-REARING PRACTICES to the point where I'd be one of those abusive parents I hate, so it's just better that I never go there in the first place.)

I should also mention that X-chan and I were not tantrum throwers as children; we were both pretty quick studies, and for both of us, the first time we chucked a fit was also the last.

Last night, I got to see a shining example of the tantrum raised to an art form. It was like the Mona Lisa of Screaming Your Goddamn Head Off For That All-Important Toy, Because You Are The Center Of The Universe. I can't do it justice with my humble little words, but I'll try, though I may need to use gimmicks like getting creative with font sizes. Also, there are many capslocks.

Also, an obligatory disclaimer: Behind the Counter is a lot funnier than I am.

I'm running...dun dun DAH DUN!...Register 7. You know, where they keep the cigarettes. So I can stare longingly at them at strategic points during my shift and fantasize, caressing them with my burning, myopic eyes, and think, "Man, my life would be so much better if I could go out to the lot and light one up after my shift. Like the good old days." This sort of thing makes [livejournal.com profile] duokinneas worry, because only Talyn can prevent lung fires (or thinks she can).

It's about 7:30 or 8:00 at night--typically when the kids are winding down, and small kids get kind of tetchy if they're out past their bedtime. I get this. I also realize that little kids are pretty much total pants at impulse control and sometimes need several reminders to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. I get this, too. It's annoying when I'm trying to check their parents out, but on the whole, most people make at least token efforts to discipline their children, and I can't get too pissed with toddlers for acting like toddlers.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. )

Life news: The Undead Zombie Tree dropped limbs in the yard a couple of weeks ago, which mysteriously missed a.) the house, b.) the street, and c.) the power lines. We were without power for about 45 minutes, but didn't have the phone back up until about a week and a half ago. I had allergies. Whee.

Haven't really felt like being around much or doing anything; have been depressed, not getting better, finally bit the bullet and made initial appointment a week from Tuesday. There will be no therapy filter, and I likely won't be discussing it in any detail; I already use some of you as my unpaid therapists. ([livejournal.com profile] augustuscaesar, you can stop being on retainer now!)

Further bulletins as events warrant.
xifeng: (Default)
I wrote several paragraphs' worth of unalloyed whining, apparently with the intent of letting everyone on my flist see them. On looking at them in the cold light of day, I've decided to just say that the post-unemployment depression has kicked in and leave it at that.

In more constructive news, I've decided to do the 101 tasks in 1001 days thing, starting on my birthday (thus giving us an end date in late March of 2011). I'm debating whether to make my list public (even in the narrow LJ-friends-only sense), since it is kind of personal and there are some things on there that I don't want to really go into a lot of detail about. (I guess I could always post the bulk of it and just censor the parts that are too personal for discussion, thus allowing you to engage in lurid flights of fancy and pretend they're worse than they really are. [livejournal.com profile] augustuscaesar will probably figure most of them out anyway, being The Uncanny Tara.)

I don't know what kind of shot I have at actually doing the 101 things in question, especially since I'm still stalled on the last couple, but I figure it's worth a shot. It'll be a good experiment in self-control and discipline...

...or possibly in murderous rage and self-loathing. THE SUSPENSE WILL KILL SOMEONE YOU!

Yeah, so.

Mar. 25th, 2008 08:31 pm
xifeng: (Default)
A happy if mildly belated birthday to [livejournal.com profile] momo (time marches on, and in its inexorable wake brings teh Ashmee one year closer to the grave, and all that). Also, while I'm doing happy-birthday catching up, a happy 25 1/26 birthday to [livejournal.com profile] angeljuggalette, because I was going to say something, oh, I don't know, TWO WEEKS AGO WHEN SHE ACTUALLY TURNED 25 and then I forgot despite my note to myself. ME 4 WIN!!!111

We had a lovely Easter, replete with tradition: hot cross buns, eggs (complete with the Army green Easter egg), lamb with rosemary and garlic, potato loaf!!!, green beans, and rolls, also poppy seed cake. Also The Ten Commandments was on TV, though I missed the first half hour (go figure. I watch television twice a year and I miss part of one of these occasions). Then, of course, I had to go back to work yesterday, and that really took the wind out of my sails. My job is sapping my goddamn will to live, I swear.

Also, everything that could possibly have gone wrong in the past couple of weeks HAS gone wrong.

In unrelated news: I think I am indeed going to establish the aforementioned speshful filter for frank discussion of wangst and perpetuating the damaging stereotype that I should be allowed to keep breathing air that someone who deserves it can't have. It will not be an opt-in filter, because inclusion is based largely on how comfortable I feel having you there. It will, however, be an opt-out filter, so if you don't want to endure my primordial wangst and think I might be putting you on that filter, say so. No opprobrium will attach to you, and the generations to come will not curse your name.

Hi.

Dec. 20th, 2007 07:06 am
xifeng: (Default)
I'm still alive. I just don't feel like saying anything and don't have much interest in posting lately; other things are going on. It hasn't been a good week, and the prospects of it getting better are, at this point, not that great either.

I don't want to talk about it. Don't ask. Actually, apropos of nothing, and because it beats the fuck out of seventeen people asking if I'm okay (it gets old after the second time and I'm probably also getting it in real life too), here is something I wrote a while ago and kept meaning to post.

How You Can Help If I Am Depressed )
xifeng: (Default)
JOB update: Sapping will to live, as usual. Hopefully this will just be temporary. I have an interview in Bloomington tomorrow, and while I'm trying not to pin all my hopes on it (the more so since it would create some not-altogether-desirable stress), it's nice to be potentially wanted.

MOOD update: Not getting any better, sad to say. Probably won't be better for some time to come. H, [livejournal.com profile] augustuscaesar, and m0mmy are, between the three of them, helping to salvage what little remains of my sanity. ♥ Also, the holidays are just around the corner, and blah blah blah angst blah blah blah backstory blah blah blah tedious drama the upshot of which is that I hate Christmas, which you probably already knew, so between all that I probably won't be worth much until January. I'll try not to snap at anyone but I may be bitchy. There may be entire entries dedicated to waaaaaaaangst. (Like this one, for instance).

RELIGION update: Flipped through a book of m0mmy's called Faith Rediscovered by Lawrence S. Cunningham, was rather uncomfortably shown myself, have been fiddling around with the faith of my mothers in my head. The short list:

My Religious Wangst, Let Me Show You It )

In conclusion, WANKYWANKYWANKWANK.

Going to bed now. I have too much to do before Thanksgiving and not enough time to do it in.
xifeng: (Chinese phoenix)
In an act of solidarity with [livejournal.com profile] queen_lily_rose, and because it's National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week:

Hi. I'm l33, and I have invisible chronic illnesses. I may also have TMI hidden behind the cut, so proceed at your own risk. )

Also, because only [livejournal.com profile] ukekenshin can prevent lung fires, or thinks she can: as of the end of August, it was four years since my last cigarette.

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